


Zeke Von Genbu's Live Performance

by tbat



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, just assume that certain songs still exist in alrest for the sake of this okay, let's be honest zeke would sing karaoke, old memes don't die, the world is a worse place for me having made this, there's some pyra/rex in here but it's like one sentence so its not really worth a relationship tag, they simply lie dormant awaiting their resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 04:53:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbat/pseuds/tbat
Summary: Zeke sings Pandoria a timeless classic. The very foundations of Alrest are shaken by his actions.





	Zeke Von Genbu's Live Performance

**Author's Note:**

> AN/Deflection of blame: This hellpiece exists because ArchitectN3J suggested the idea to me. This defense will not let me off the hook when I am tried in a court of law for this, but I'll bring them down with me.

Being the sole inn in one of the most popular commercial hubs in all of Alrest, the Argentum Trade Guild's Lemour Inn enjoyed a strong, consistent customer base. Salvagers, traders, tourists, everyone eventually needed to either sleep or stare at the ceiling and deeply regret the solid gold Nopon statue they'd just bought. Of course, with such popularity came issues. Lack of beds, people trying to freeload by bringing three people into a single-bed room, the odd drunken salvager making a scene. All par for the course, and the staff had long since learnt to deal with most of the incidents that sailed their way. The Inn ran smoothly, if not with a certain manic frenzy to keep up with the demand.

But, of course, no matter how anyone may try, there is always a weakness. A blind spot. Something no one could ever account for. For the Lemour Inn, that blindspot was the small stage nestled quietly in the corner of the restaurant. Few people ever used it beyond the inn's resident singer, Falala. Despite this, the inn had a fairly unspoken rule: if someone wants to use the stage, they can. It's open mic night, every night.

Most customers were too tired or hungry to even think about clambering on stage and belting out the most inappropriate salvager shanty they could think of. Much of the staff and management had quickly forgotten the open mic policy even existed.

Until, on one fateful night, they received a grim reminder.

The Prince of Tantal sat on the edge of his stool, facing away from the table, his eye gleaming with vile delight as he stared at the stage. He swivelled back round to face his companions, grinning eagerly.

"Chaps, chaps! You see that in the corner?" The party collectively craned their necks in the general direction of the stage. Everyone remained silent, not really sure where Zeke was going with this. Mythra eventually put down her third bowl of pudding to act as the group representative on the matter.

"It's a stage. What's your point?" Zeke frowned at her dismissive tone and excessive amounts of sweets.

He'd wanted three bowls as well. Pandoria had told him that he had to watch his sugar intake before snatching his coin purse away, to make sure he didn't sneak any extras while she wasn't looking. Zeke had been sulking for the past hour of the dinner, and the discovery of the stage was the only thing that had ripped him out of his mood.

"'It's a stage' she says. What do you  _think_ my point is, Aegis? Stages are made for  _performing,_ of course!"

The group served him up his second course of silence. Zeke had already had his fill and so poured the silence down the sink.

"Oh, come  _on,_ people, a bit of energy! What say we put our talents for the performing arts to the test, eh?"

"I, uh...dunno if I have any," Rex said nervously. "I mean, I know a few salvager songs, but, well..." he trailed off, jerking his head towards Mythra. She scowled.

"What? What've I got to do with your dumb song?"

"Well, I mean... Pyra might like them more?" he said pleadingly. Rex knew that salvagers tended to have crude senses of humour. He also knew full well Mythra would bodyslam him off the side of the Inn down to the ground floor by the end of the second verse. Pyra would never bodyslam him, and would probably not notice half the jokes, so he felt safer with her in control rather than Mythra.

"Forget it. I'm not done eating, and there's no way I'm letting her eat it for me," Mythra replied, scooping up another mouthful of her pudding. She ignored the voice in her head whining about wanting to hear Rex sing. Pudding before Pyra was her eternal motto. Rex shrugged in defeat at Zeke.

"Hmph. Very well then, what about you, Aegis? Surely you've got heavenly vocal cords?" he boomed, pointing dramatically at Mythra. She angrily swallowed her pudding.

" _Not done eating yet."_ Zeke flinched for a brief moment before seamlessly sliding his finger towards Morag.

"What do you say, Morag? Care to do the Empire proud?"

Morag hummed thoughtfully, tilting her head downwards.

"I suppose I could sing the Ardainian national anthem for you all. It's quite uplifting, I find."

"They may enjoy something slightly more contemporary, Lady Morag," said Brighid, trying not to laugh at her Driver. Morag frowned, racking her brains for anything suitable.

"I'm afraid I've not much knowledge of the more popular trends in music. Are you sure you don't want the anthem?"

"We would require a rather sizeable brass band for the full effect, Lady Morag."

"Hm. You're quite right. I'll have to decline, Zeke." He grumbled, his finger wavering, yet still pointing forwards.

"Tora!"

"Tora only know opening songs of Nopon cartoons. Not for general audience."

"Poppi!"

"Poppi not installed with singing program. Masterpon very sloppy."

"Meh-meh! Tora working on it! Not perfected blushy-crushy ratio in Poppi's singing voice yet!" Zeke sighed in increasing frustration.

"Nia! I'm begging you!" She snorted.

"No chance, Shellhead."

"Argh! Spoilsport! Dromarch! Come on, man!"

"I would be honoured to perform for you all, if you would so de-"

"You're stayin' right 'ere, furball," Nia hissed, patting firmly on Dromarch's head.

"...Or perhaps not. My apologies, Master Zeke."

Zeke's pointing finger curled back towards his hand as he formed a fist, slamming it onto the table in angry determination. He sprung out of his seat.

"Fine! Cowards, the lot of you! It falls to Zeke Von Genbu, Serenader of Chaos, to enchant you with his  _dulcet tones!"_ he yelled, clambering past several tables of bewildered patrons on a grim warpath towards the stage. He stomped onstage, planting himself in the middle, before pointing directly at Pandoria.

"Pandy!" he shouted from across the room, "This one's for you!"

An entire room's worth of bemused customers followed his finger to stare at Pandoria. She let her head fall to the table with a dull thud.

"My prince...why? Why are you like this?" she asked resentfullly. Her horrible prince cleared his throat.

"May I have your attention, everyone! I'd like to dedicate this song to my closest companion, the love of my life! My dear, sweet Blade, PANDORIA!"

A tipsy member of Zeke's new audience gave a whoop of approval. The rest remained quietly mortified. A couple of the bar staff whispered frantically to each other, not sure if Zeke was even allowed to be doing this.

Zeke did not care if he was allowed to do this.

"This, Pandy, is  _our song!"_

_"We don't have a song!"_ she shouted back in despair.

"We do now!" Zeke responded, slowly shifting into a bizarre, rhythmless jig. After a few seconds of build up, he opened his mouth and bellowed his heartfelt feelings for the entirety of Argentum's pleasure.

"WE'RE NO STRANGERS TO LOVE!"

Pandoria groaned in pain, both emotional and physical.

"YOU KNOW THE RULES, AND SO DO IIIIIII!"

Nia bent forwards with intense laughter before flopping off her chair, content to roll gracelessly on the floor.

"A FULL COMMITMENT'S WHAT I'M THINKING OF!"

Dromarch stifled his own laugh before bending down in a futile attempt to help Nia back onto her seat.

"YOU WOULDN'T GET THIS FROM ANY OTHER GUY!"

Tora nodded in approval at Zeke's use of a timeless classic.

"IIIIIIIIIII JUST WANNA TELL YOU HOW I'M FEEEEEEEELING!"

Poppi's Musical Evaluation program had been left half-finished in Tora's workshop alongside her singing function, so she didn't really know what to make of Zeke's performance.

"GOTTA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND!"

Morag sighed, flipping open a small notebook documenting all of Zeke's indiscretions. She saw it as necessary "for leverage in potential Tantalese negotiations," mostly by embarassing his father into offering more agreeable terms. She was on notebook sixteen.

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!"

Brighid slid a hand underneath the desk and tapped quietly along to what little rhythm was discernable in Zeke's singing. The quality of his rendition aside...she liked that song.

"NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN!"

Rex watched Zeke humiliate himself with rapt interest, trying to weigh up whether he should try and sing it for Pyra. He leaned towards "no," on the basis that she could probably hear this, too, so she'd know where he got the idea. He'd need to research love songs that Zeke hadn't tainted.

"NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU!"

Mythra felt a tiny tear bubble up in her eye, which she frantically forced down. She refused to admit she found this terrible song touching.

Somewhere in her head, Pyra said "Oh, wow, this song is really romantic!" in earnest awe. Mythra chose not to answer her.

"NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY!"

Pandoria had hidden her head under her arms for the duration of Zeke's performance, her face turning a burning red hot enough to lightly singe the wooden table.

"NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE!"

She hated this. It was the most embarassing thing Zeke had ever done for, or to her.

"NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE, AND HUUUUUUURT YOUUUUUU!" he concluded, pouring his entire soul into screeching the line. Pandoria leapt up, tears in her eyes.

"MY PRINCE! I HATE THIS! I LOVE YOU!"

"ONE OUT OF TWO WILL DO, THANKS PANDY!"

A pair of burly bouncers wordlessly approached Zeke and dragged him off the stage, back towards his companions. They muttered apologies to each patron they nudged in the process. The manager gingerly waddled on stage, head bowed in shame.

"L-Lemour Inn apologize for disturbance. Offending customer charged double for his meal. Also banned from stage."

"Bah. Tasteless." Zeke huffed, fumbling for his coin purse. He looked towards his thoroughly embarassed Blade expectantly. She sighed and tipped the entire contents out onto the table. It was fifty gold. Zeke's meal, before incurring his penalty, had cost two hundred gold.

He stared at the rest of the group. Nobody's hands moved anywhere near their own coin purses.

Zeke enjoyed an exciting night as the Lemour Inn's newest dishwasher. The manager nailed a small sign next to the stage that read "Please Book In Advance." It was the only way to safeguard the Argentum Trade Guild's peace.


End file.
